Authenticity: Breaking Free from External Validation

In a world that thrives on likes, shares, and applause, the pull of external validation can feel inescapable. Yet, living for others' approval often distances us from our authentic selves. Liberation from this cycle is an act of reclaiming our power.

As Brené Brown asks in The Gifts of Imperfection:

“What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think … or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”

This question challenges us to prioritize our internal compass over the fluctuating opinions of others.

Why Do We Crave External Validation?

Humans are wired for connection. Validation from others once ensured survival in tribes. However, in today’s complex societies, seeking approval has morphed into a relentless need for affirmation, a need often exploited by social media and cultural norms.

Psychologist Nathaniel Branden, in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, explains, “Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.” When we rely too heavily on external validation, we sacrifice this internal reputation for fleeting external praise. (more about self-esteem here)

Signs You’re Trapped by External Validation

Overthinking decisions: Do you constantly wonder how others will perceive your choices?
Avoiding authenticity: Are you hesitant to share your true thoughts or feelings?
Feeling empty despite praise: Does approval from others fail to provide lasting satisfaction?

Life has a way of revealing when you're trapped in external validation, often through exhaustion, dissatisfaction, or a lingering sense of disconnection from yourself.

Here are some more signs that external approval may be running the show:

You Struggle to Make Decisions Without Others' Input

If you frequently second-guess yourself, seeking reassurance before making choices, it may be a sign that you're outsourcing your confidence to others instead of trusting your own judgment.

Criticism Feels Like a Personal Attack

Feedback is normal, but if criticism makes you feel unworthy or crushed, it could mean that your self-worth is tied too closely to what others think.

You Overcommit to Please Others

Saying "yes" when you want to say "no," overextending yourself or prioritizing others' comfort over your own are signs of people-pleasing, a common symptom of seeking validation.

Success Feels Hollow

Even when you achieve something, it doesn’t feel fulfilling. If your accomplishments are driven by the need for approval rather than your own passion, they may feel empty.

You Fear Disapproval More Than You Trust Yourself

If you're constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of how others might perceive you, you're likely prioritizing acceptance over authenticity.

Social Media Dictates Your Self-Worth

Do you feel a rush when your posts get likes, or discouraged when they don’t? External validation can be addictive, and social media can amplify the need for approval.

You Adapt to Fit Different Versions of Yourself

Do you adjust your personality, opinions, or behavior based on who you're with? If you’re constantly shape-shifting to fit expectations, you may have lost sight of your true self.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward reclaiming your authenticity. When you start valuing your own approval more than external praise, life becomes lighter, freer, and more aligned with who you truly are.

What is Authenticity?

Authenticity is the alignment between your inner truth, your values, emotions, and beliefs, and how you express yourself in the world. It means showing up as you truly are, rather than who you think you should be to gain acceptance. Authenticity is rooted in self-awareness, integrity, and the courage to be real, even when it feels vulnerable.

The Power of Authenticity

True authenticity is about standing in your worth, even when applause is absent. It’s knowing, deep in your bones, that who you are, as you are, is enough.

This is not just a nice idea; it’s essential for living a fulfilling and meaningful life.

When we are authentic, we make choices that align with our values, build relationships based on real connection, and lead with confidence rather than fear. Authenticity allows us to experience a deep sense of freedom, the kind that comes from no longer seeking permission to be ourselves.

What Stands in the Way?

Despite its power, authenticity is not always easy. Many of us have spent years, sometimes a lifetime, adapting to what others expect of us. Early in life, we learn that approval brings belonging, and we begin to trade pieces of ourselves for acceptance. We become perfectionists, people pleasers, or overachievers, hoping that if we just do enough, we’ll finally feel worthy.

Social conditioning, fear of rejection, and past experiences of judgment reinforce the idea that it’s safer to conform than to be fully seen.

But the cost of inauthenticity is high. When we abandon our true selves for external validation, we lose touch with our intuition, our desires, and our joy.

We feel stuck, disconnected, or restless, sensing that something is missing—because something is.

Coming Home to Yourself

Reclaiming authenticity means unlearning the belief that your worth is tied to performance, approval, or perfection. It’s about learning to trust yourself again, listening to your inner voice, and letting go of the need to prove anything. It’s a practice, a daily commitment to showing up as you are, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Because the truth is, your worth has never been up for debate. You were always enough. The question is: are You ready to believe it?

Here are actionable steps to break free from the need for external validation:

Cultivate Self-Awareness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom,” said Aristotle. Start by understanding why you seek approval. Is it fear of rejection? A need for belonging?

Practice mindfulness to identify moments when you’re chasing validation
Journal about your motivations and feelings to uncover patterns

Reconnect with Your Values

When decisions align with your core values, external opinions lose their grip.

Identify your top 3-5 personal values (e.g., integrity, creativity, kindness).
Reflect on how your actions support these values rather than others’ expectations

Shift from External to Internal Validation

Build self-trust by celebrating your efforts and resilience.

After completing a task, ask yourself: “What am I proud of?” instead of “What will others think?”
Create a “self-validation” journal where you record daily affirmations or personal wins

Limit Social Media Consumption

Social media can amplify the hunger for external validation. Take control of your digital habits.

Set time limits for social media use.
Curate your feed to follow accounts that inspire authenticity and self-worth

Build Relationships That Celebrate Authenticity

Surround yourself with people who uplift you for who you are, not what you do.

Foster friendships with individuals who value honesty and vulnerability
Be intentional about minimizing interactions with overly judgmental or critical individuals

Practice Self-Compassion

As Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, notes, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”

When self-critical thoughts arise, counter them with affirmations like, “I am enough.”
Treat mistakes as learning opportunities rather than failures

Celebrate Your Uniqueness

Oscar Wilde famously said, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Embrace your individuality as your greatest asset.

Take CliftonStrengths assessment (ask me for a discounted access code!) and discover your unique talents. Refer to them regularly
Engage in activities that let your authentic self shine, like hobbies or creative pursuits

I love this reflection Tara Brach shares on her blog:

"I remember when I was on a book tour for Radical Acceptance, one of the places I stopped was the Buddhist university, Naropa, and they had a big poster with a big picture of me and, underneath the photo, the caption was:

Something is wrong with me.

I wrote about the Trance of Unworthiness in Radical Acceptance 14 years ago, and I’ve found, over the years, that it is still pretty much the most pervasive expression of suffering that I encounter in myself and in those I’ve worked with.

It comes out as fear or shame, a feeling of being fundamentally flawed, unacceptable, not enough. Who I am is not okay.

A core teaching of the Buddha is that we suffer because we forget who we really are. We forget the essence, the awareness and the love that’s here, and we become caught in an identity that’s less than who we are.

When we are in the trance of unworthiness, we’re not aware of how much our body, emotions, and thoughts have locked into a sense of falling short and the fear that we’re going to fail.

The trance of unworthiness brings us to addictive behaviors as we try to soothe the discomfort of fear and shame. It makes it difficult to be intimate with others, because we have the sense that, even if they don’t already know, they will find out how flawed we really are, so it’s hard to be real and spontaneous with other people.

It makes it hard to take risks because we’re afraid we’re going to fail and we can never really relax, because right in the heart of the trance there is a need to do something to be better."

Your Authentic Self Awaits

Each step toward self-trust and authenticity brings you closer to a life where you’re guided by your values, not others’ expectations.

“When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful.” - Caroline Myss

Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach, facilitator, social-profit organization leader, and photographer. I’m here to help you own your vision for meaningful growth and transformation, uncover your unique leadership strengths, and empower you and your team to thrive and create lasting impact. Passionate about driving change within, around, and beyond, I love supporting fellow change-makers on their journeys.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!