Transformational Leadership, One Conversation at a Time

Whether we speak or remain silent, show up or withdraw, every action, or inaction, sends a message. Communication isn’t just about what we say; it’s also about what we don’t say. Silence, hesitation, and avoidance are just as communicative as words. And in leadership, these unspoken messages often speak the loudest.

“One cannot not communicate.” — Paul Watzlawick

Avoiding hard conversations doesn’t preserve harmony. Instead it often erodes trust.

When we sidestep giving feedback, delay naming tension, or choose silence over clarity, we’re still communicating, just not intentionally. Avoiding the difficult conversation doesn’t make the issue go away; it quietly signals that the behaviour or problem is acceptable.

Over time, we stretch our own patience and emotional bandwidth, convincing ourselves it’s not worth bringing up, until it is. We can repress or rationalize the discomfort for a while, but eventually, we hit a tipping point.

What was once manageable becomes unbearable. What’s left unspoken festers, and often grows into misunderstanding, resentment, or quiet disengagement.

Why We Avoid the Conversations That Matter

Let’s be honest: most of us weren’t taught how to have difficult conversations. We were taught to be nice, to keep the peace, to avoid “rocking the boat.” And in many work cultures, especially in purpose-driven spaces, there’s an unspoken belief that kindness and harmony are more important than honesty or directness.

But what we often call nice is actually avoidance. And what we protect by avoiding discomfort, we endanger by not telling the truth.

In Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott explores why we avoid the conversations that matter, and she gets straight to the heart of it:

“The conversation is the relationship.”

Scott says that when we avoid a conversation, we’re not just postponing a difficult moment, we’re damaging the relationship itself. Some key reasons she highlights for why we avoid these conversations:

1. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings or damaging the relationship. We confuse being fierce with being harsh. But Scott reframes fierceness as truth-telling with care.

   
   

2. Desire to avoid discomfort. We're afraid of emotional intensity, ours or theirs. So we delay or dilute the message, hoping things will resolve on their own.

   
   

3. Belief that the other person won’t change, so what’s the point? This breeds resignation and silence, even when the issue matters deeply.

   
   

4. Uncertainty about how to say it “right.” We get stuck in rehearsing the perfect script, and in the meantime, we say nothing.

   
   

Scott argues that the avoidance of meaningful conversations creates distance, dysfunction, and ultimately disconnection. And she offers this powerful reminder:

“The most valuable thing any of us can do is find a way to say the things that can’t be said.”

Avoidance often feels safer, at least in the short term. It gives us the illusion of control, the comfort of harmony, and a temporary escape from discomfort. But left unchecked, what we avoid starts to define the culture we create.

And here’s the truth: what we don’t talk about doesn’t just disappear, it becomes the undercurrent that drives behaviour, decisions, and disconnection.

Which is why the next step in transformational leadership is not avoidance, it’s the courage to name what’s not being named.

The Courage to Name the Undiscussables

If the conversation is the relationship, as Susan Scott says, then avoiding certain topics is like building a wall between ourselves and the people we lead or people we live with.

Every team has undiscussables, those unspoken dynamics, patterns, or tensions that everyone senses but no one dares to name. These are the things that live in the silence, in the awkwardness after meetings, in the whispered side conversations. And often, they are the very things standing in the way of progress, trust, or transformation.

Leaders who can bring these issues into the open, with clarity and compassion, create powerful ripples of change. Because naming what others avoid isn’t about confrontation. It’s about removing obstacles to co-creation.

To lead transformationally means being willing to step into what feels risky, not for drama or control, but for growth, truth, and forward movement.

But of course, it’s not easy. There’s often perceived relational risk:

• What if I ruin the relationship?

• What if I’m too much?

• What if I get it wrong?

• What if they see me differently?

  
  

When we feel that fear, it’s worth pausing to ask ourselves:

• What story am I telling myself about leadership?

• What do I believe my role really is?

• And what do I believe others expect of me in that role?

  
  

Because when we strip away old assumptions, that leaders should always be calm, agreeable, or endlessly accommodating, we begin to see that creating meaningful impact requires courage.

Courage to expand our awareness.

Courage to develop new communication skills. Courage to lead with presence, even in discomfort.

And this is not something we have to be born with. This is a learnable skill. One that can be developed over time with intention and support.

As a leadership coach, I’ve seen how transformative it is when leaders invest in growing these skills. Coaching offers a private, nonjudgmental space to unpack what’s holding you back, experiment with new approaches, and build the confidence to show up fully, for yourself, your team, and your mission.

Let me tell you a story.

One of my coaching clients, Nina, once led a team where one of her employees, Mike, continuously undermined her leadership. He covertly dismissed direction, openly disrespected her former manager, made unilateral decisions without consulting her, and later justified hiding those decisions by saying he was “protecting her time.” His behaviour created confusion, resentment, and tension on the team, and Nina felt it deeply.

But instead of addressing the root of the issue, she held back. She offered support. She offered coaching. She tried to meet his burnout with empathy and give him space. She told herself it wasn’t the right time, or that confronting him might make things worse.

Over time, the cost of that silence mounted. Mike’s sense of entitlement grew. The emotional pressure he put on others intensified. Nina found herself bending around him, swallowing her discomfort, second-guessing her authority. Until one day, she reached a breaking point.

When she finally named a clear boundary around policy, something she could no longer ignore, things blew up. Mike reacted with intensity. The conversation became explosive. And Nina was left not only cleaning up the emotional fallout, but reflecting on the time and energy lost by not braving that conversation earlier.

This is the price we pay for not stepping into the wilderness sooner. When we avoid the undiscussable, we don’t make it go away, we give it more power.

But Nina’s story doesn’t end there. That experience became a turning point. Through coaching, she began to reimagine her role, not as someone who must absorb everything for the sake of peace, but as a leader capable of naming hard truths with calm confidence.

She practiced small, clear moments of truth-telling, and found that it didn’t have to be explosive. In fact, it could be freeing, for her, and for the team.

Nina’s story also reminds us of something deeply intuitive: our gut knows. 

Most leaders I work with already feel it in their bodies when something isn’t right. That tightening in your chest or shoulders. The unease you carry into your weekends.

The little voice that says, This isn’t okay… but maybe it’s just me.

It’s not just you.

One of the biggest inner obstacles to fierce, clear, grounded leadership is self-doubt, that slippery voice that questions your instincts, downplays your authority, and second-guesses your decisions. It’s a spiral, and once you're in it, it can be hard to find solid ground.

This is where coaching can be incredibly powerful. A private, steady space to notice, name, and shift your inner patterns. To test your thinking. To explore what confidence looks like in your voice, your leadership style.

Because the first step to leading tough conversations is not strategy, it’s awareness. You need to notice when you’re shrinking. Notice the moment you go quiet. Notice when self-doubt hijacks your clarity.

And then, name it.

Naming is a leadership superpower. And that includes naming what’s hard to see.

In Nina’s case, what was really going on was a pattern of emotional manipulation and gaslighting, hallmarks of a narcissistic dynamic.

And like many brilliant, empathetic leaders, she internalized that distortion and began doubting her own reality. That’s the effect of gaslighting: it makes you question your own perception, your memory, your decisions, until you stop trusting yourself.

When it comes to naming the behaviours we observe, we sometimes need support, a framework, a shared language that’s grounded and separate from our personal feelings, opinions, or reactions.

We need a way to objectively describe what’s unfolding in front of us, what it it that's impacting us. If you don’t have a coach, I often recommend that leaders equip themselves with tools like Korn Ferry’s leadership competency framework, not because a model will fix everything, but because it can help us name and make sense of what we’re experiencing.

It brings clarity to the fog. It helps us see what healthy leadership looks like, and what it doesn’t. It gives us language for what we sense but can’t always explain.

And once you can name it, the pattern, the dynamic, the discomfort, you can lead through it.

This isn’t a magical trait reserved for the boldest voices in the room. This is a skill. A muscle. A practice. And the more you build it, the more powerfully you can lead, with integrity, with compassion, and with clarity.

Transformational Leadership, One Conversation at a Time

Transformational leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to enter the conversations that matter, with curiosity, with courage, and with care.

Because hidden inside those conversations, the ones we avoid or delay, are possibilities. New clarity. Stronger relationships. Healthier teams. And sometimes, parting ways.

Yes, even that can be a meaningful outcome. When approached with honesty and empathy, a tough conversation can open the door to a better fit, for both the leader and the person involved.

I’ve seen clients help team members transition into roles where they could truly thrive.

I’ve seen relationships deepen through truth-telling. And I’ve seen entire teams shift when one person chose to speak up.

The ripple always starts with one voice.

So let me ask you:

What is the one conversation you’ve been avoiding?And what might become possible if you chose to have it?

P.S. Many of my clients begin coaching because of a specific work challenge, often a tough conversation they’re dreading or a leadership situation that feels tangled. We start there.

But somewhere along the way, we often find our way to an even more tender, powerful place: the personal conversation they’ve been avoiding for months, sometimes years. Those moments are sacred, and transformational in the truest sense.

P.P.S. I might be the luckiest person on the planet. I get to learn and grow alongside each client I work with, and it’s one of the greatest joys of my life.

So if you’re on the edge of a conversation that matters, thank you in advance. I already admire your courage.

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Hi, I’m Monika, Strengths Coach and facilitator. I help individuals and groups cultivate resilience, emotional intelligence, and well-being through strengths-based coaching. Passionate about transformative and creative leadership, I empower leaders to drive meaningful change within themselves, their organizations, and beyond.

I hope you’ll visit often, and I look forward to connecting and working together!